Central Florida’s mature mecca city of Ocala is hot and dry today, with scattered clouds that seem undecided whether or not to lead to anything later. They usually do.
The small strip mall is booming with people right now. A fat woman and her vaguely obese daughter head into the camping store, presumably to find this season’s nicest tents to wear. The dollar store holds it’s bounty of chocolate covered cheap cookies. And Joe Barron drives up, dressed in his best Ross casual wear.
Barron owns Newsmax and all of its subsidiaries, which include Trump Casinos, Trumpwear, and the newest product, Trump Flaming Dumpsters. He sits down at the table with me at Firehouse Subs and orders a large macchiato.
“There aren’t any waitresses here, sir. You’re talking to air.”
“Oh,” he says and waves a hand. “Just get on with it, boy.”
Barron has recently filed a lawsuit against ABC programming’s morning talk show The View. I ask him why.
“The View is a slobbish garbage show that not only encourages hate speech, but does so at the expense of Newsmax. How are we supposed to report nonsense with them on every day debunking it?”
“Do you think maybe you shouldn’t report nonsense and make tiny little tales into big blown up features, like CRT and the green M&M?”
“CRT is the BANE OF EXISTENCE!” he shouts as kids run screaming away. “You can’t tell the truth about America’s racial history! It’s unhealthy!”
I’m about to disagree when he stands and shoots me square in the shoulder with a small handgun.
“Florida! Stand your ground! STAND YOUR GROUND!”
He’s scooped up by his car and swifted away as I slowly call 911. It’s definitely about to rain.