Some people learn by listening. Others need to experience the consequences firsthand. My neighbor Richard definitely fell into the second category, so I did what was needed to teach him a lesson.<\/p>\n
The first thing I do every morning is make coffee. The second thing I do is look out my kitchen window to see if Richard\u2019s blue Honda Civic is blocking my garage. Again.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been this way for six months now. Ever since he moved back in with his parents next door. Six months of knocking on his door at 7:45 a.m. Six months of fake-smiling through gritted teeth while he fumbles with his keys, mumbling half-hearted apologies.<\/p>\n
Six months of being late to work.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve never been great with relationships. Three serious boyfriends by age 32, and each one ended with me changing my Netflix password and buying new sheets.<\/p>\n
After the last breakup, Jason\u2014who \u201cneeded space\u201d but apparently found it in my best friend\u2019s apartment, I decided relationships weren\u2019t worth the trouble.<\/p>\n
So, I focused on my career instead.<\/p>\n
As a graphic designer for a marketing firm downtown, I earn enough to afford my small but perfect house. I\u2019ve decorated it exactly the way I want.<\/p>\n
No compromises on the teal accent wall or the framed vintage movie posters. No one to tell me I can\u2019t have ice cream for dinner or that I spend too much money on travel.<\/p>\n
Speaking of travel, I\u2019m saving up for a solo trip to New Zealand next year. Well, I\u2019m trying to. Each time I\u2019m late because of Richard\u2019s parking habits, my boss gives me the look that says, \u201cI\u2019m not angry, just disappointed,\u201d which is somehow worse.<\/p>\n
This morning was no different.<\/p>\n
I peeked through the blinds and saw the blue Honda exactly where it shouldn\u2019t be. It was parked directly in front of my garage door.<\/p>\n
With a sigh, I set down my mug, slipped on my shoes, and trudged next door. Three sharp knocks. Footsteps. Then Richard\u2019s sleepy face peering out from behind the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, hey Cindy,\u201d he said. \u201cCar\u2019s in the way again?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAs it was yesterday,\u201d I replied. \u201cAnd the day before. And pretty much every day since you moved back home.\u201d<\/p>\n
He had the decency to look embarrassed. \u201cSorry. I\u2019ll move it right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched as he searched for his keys, still wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a faded t-shirt with some obscure band logo on it. At 28, Richard should have had his life together by now.<\/p>\n
Instead, he\u2019d moved back home six months ago, supposedly to \u201chelp his parents.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mrs. Peterson, who runs the neighborhood gossip pipeline disguised as a book club, told me that Richard had lost his job at the tech startup in the city. Came home with his tail between his legs.<\/p>\n
I might have felt sorry for him if he wasn\u2019t making me late every single morning.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks,\u201d I said curtly when Richard finally cleared my driveway. \u201cBut you know, this wouldn\u2019t have to happen if you\u2019d just park somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed. \u201cWhere, Cindy? My dad\u2019s car takes up our garage, and street parking is full by the time I get home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not my problem,\u201d I said, climbing into my Subaru. \u201cFigure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n
But the next morning, there it was again. Blue Honda. Same spot.<\/p>\n
After work that day, I decided to talk to him properly. I found him washing his father\u2019s car in their driveway.<\/p>\n
\u201cRichard,\u201d I said, crossing my arms. \u201cWe need to talk about the parking situation.\u201d<\/p>\n
He turned, water hose in hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, I know. I\u2019m sorry about this morning,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd yesterday morning. And the morning before that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, I\u2019m in a tough spot here. Dad can\u2019t walk far, so he needs the garage. The street\u2019s filled up with the Johnsons\u2019 three cars, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that makes it okay to block my garage?\u201d I interrupted.<\/p>\n
He turned off the hose. \u201cNo. It doesn\u2019t. But I don\u2019t know what else to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPark around the block.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd walk half a mile in the dark when I get home from my night shift? Through the woods where those raccoons hang out?\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know he worked night shifts. Or was afraid of raccoons.<\/p>\n
\u201cRichard, I\u2019m going to be straight with you. If you block my garage one more time, there will be consequences.\u201d<\/p>\n
He raised his eyebrows. \u201cConsequences? Like what? You\u2019ll call a tow truck?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWorse,\u201d I said. \u201cMuch worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed. \u201cCindy, has anyone ever told you you\u2019re kind of intense?\u201d<\/p>\n
I stormed off, my cheeks burning. Not because he was right, but because I was already plotting exactly what those consequences would be.<\/p>\n
That evening, I watched from my living room window as Richard pulled up in his Honda around 10 p.m. Like clockwork, he parked directly in front of my garage. I saw him glance at my house before strolling inside his parents\u2019 place.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it,\u201d I muttered, pulling out my laptop.<\/p>\n
I spent the next hour researching.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when I discovered an article about natural wildlife deterrents and attractants. The forest preserve behind our neighborhood housed all sorts of critters, including raccoons, possums, deer, and countless birds.<\/p>\n
They mostly kept to themselves, but with the right incentive\u2026<\/p>\n
The next day was Friday.<\/p>\n
I wouldn\u2019t need to leave for work early Saturday morning, which gave me the perfect window for my plan. I stopped at the pet store after work and bought a large bag of wild birdseed mix and a bottle of what the label called \u201cCritter Potty Training Attractant,\u201d designed to teach pets where to do their business.<\/p>\n
The cashier raised her eyebrows as she rang me up. \u201cGot a new pet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething like that,\u201d I replied with a smile.<\/p>\n
That night, I waited until the neighborhood went quiet.<\/p>\n
Around midnight, I slipped outside in dark clothes, carrying my supplies in a canvas tote bag. Richard\u2019s blue Honda gleamed under the streetlight.<\/p>\n
I worked quickly, sprinkling birdseed across the hood, roof, and trunk. Next came the attractant, which I dabbed sparingly along the door handles, side mirrors, and around the wheel wells.<\/p>\n
The stuff smelled awful. I had to breathe through my mouth to keep from gagging.<\/p>\n
Mission accomplished, I thought as I crept back inside. I set my alarm for 6 a.m. before sleeping.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
I woke before my alarm to the sound of shouting.<\/p>\n
Bleary-eyed, I peeked through the blinds to see Richard standing beside his car in his pajamas, hands on his head in disbelief.<\/p>\n
His precious Honda was transformed. Bird droppings streaked the windshield and hood. The blue paint was marred with tiny scratch marks where beaks had pecked for seeds. And based on the brown smudges along the sides, larger animals had indeed been attracted to the scent I\u2019d applied.<\/p>\n
A fat raccoon was still sitting on the roof, munching contentedly on the remaining seeds.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the\u2014! Get off! Shoo!\u201d Richard waved his arms frantically, but the raccoon merely gave him a bored look before returning to its breakfast.<\/p>\n
I burst out laughing. Throwing on my robe, I stepped outside onto my porch.<\/p>\n
\u201cCar trouble?\u201d I called innocently.<\/p>\n
Richard whirled around. \u201cDid you\u2014? Was this\u2014?\u201d He couldn\u2019t even form a complete sentence.<\/p>\n
I shrugged. \u201cWow, looks like the local wildlife really took a liking to your car. Fascinating.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCindy, I know this was you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProve it,\u201d I said. \u201cMaybe it\u2019s karma for consistently blocking someone\u2019s garage despite repeated requests to stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you have any idea how much this will cost to clean? And the scratches\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably about as much as it costs me in lost wages and credibility when I\u2019m late to work three times a week,\u201d I replied calmly.<\/p>\n
He looked at me, and to my surprise, the anger in his eyes had faded. \u201cYou know what? I probably deserved this.\u201d<\/p>\n
That wasn\u2019t the reaction I\u2019d expected. I\u2019d prepared for yelling, threats to call the police, or at least some neighborly drama that would feed Mrs. Peterson\u2019s gossip mill for weeks.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not\u2026 mad?\u201d I asked cautiously.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I\u2019m furious,\u201d he laughed. \u201cBut also impressed. This is diabolical.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you didn\u2019t listen to words, so\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, you enlisted the local wildlife. Message received.\u201d He ran a hand through his hair. \u201cI\u2019ll grab some cleaning supplies.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched as he disappeared into his house, feeling oddly deflated. The revenge had been sweet, but brief. I turned to go back inside when Richard emerged with two buckets, gloves, and an array of cleaning products.<\/p>\n
He walked straight to my porch and held out a pair of gloves. \u201cHelp me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would I help you clean up a mess you brought on yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause,\u201d he said, looking suddenly nervous, \u201cI owe you an explanation. And an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can apologize from over there, where you don\u2019t smell like eau de raccoon.\u201d<\/p>\n
He set down the cleaning supplies. \u201cThe truth is, I didn\u2019t park in front of your garage just because of my dad\u2019s car or lack of street parking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2026 I wanted an excuse to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him. \u201cYou\u2019ve been making me late for work for six months because you wanted to chat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it sounds stupid,\u201d he said quickly. \u201cIt is stupid. But ever since I moved back, I\u2019ve noticed you. How you always have fresh flowers on your porch. How you sing along to 80s music when you garden. The way you helped Mrs. Peterson carry her groceries that time.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him with wide eyes. I didn\u2019t know what to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cI kept trying to work up the courage to ask you out properly,\u201d he continued, \u201cbut each time I\u2019d see you, I\u2019d panic and just apologize for the car instead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the worst flirting strategy I\u2019ve ever heard,\u201d I finally managed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. I\u2019m terrible at this. I haven\u2019t dated since college and then losing my job and moving back home at 28\u2026 not exactly prime dating material.\u201d<\/p>\n
I found myself softening. \u201cYou could have just brought over cookies or something like a normal person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a terrible baker,\u201d he admitted with a small smile. \u201cBut I make decent coffee. And I promise never to park in front of your garage again.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered him for a moment. He did have nice eyes. And he wasn\u2019t running away or threatening lawsuits over the raccoon incident.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell you what,\u201d I said, descending the porch steps. \u201cI\u2019ll help you clean your car. And then you\u2019re taking me out for coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face lit up. \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cConsider it your penance,\u201d I said, taking the gloves from him. \u201cAnd then we\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n
We spent the morning scrubbing bird droppings and mysterious smudges, hosing down seats, and vacuuming seed hulls from every crevice. It was gross, smelly work, but also strangely fun.<\/p>\n
All the while, Richard told me about his job search, his dad\u2019s health problems, and his secret dream of opening a coffee shop someday.<\/p>\n
By the time we finished, the car was clean but still faintly smelled of wildlife. We were soaked, dirty, and laughing.<\/p>\n
\u201cCoffee now?\u201d he asked hopefully.<\/p>\n
I shook my head. \u201cNo. Your car still reeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut,\u201d I added, \u201cthere\u2019s a place about two blocks from here that makes amazing chicken wings. We could walk.\u201d<\/p>\n
His smile returned. \u201cI\u2019d like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
As we walked to the restaurant, I realized I hadn\u2019t felt this light in months. Maybe years. I guess, sometimes, the best connections come from the strangest beginnings, even if they involve birdseed, raccoons, and a parking dispute.<\/p>\n
And Richard? He never parked in front of my garage again. Though these days, he usually parks in my driveway instead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some people learn by listening. Others need to experience the consequences firsthand. My neighbor Richard definitely fell into the second category, so I did what was needed to teach him a lesson. The first thing I do every morning is make coffee. The second thing I do is look out my kitchen window to see […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29149"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29149\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29150,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29149\/revisions\/29150"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newzdiscover.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}